FRIDAY-ISMs - Something New

FRIDAY-ISM: I'm starting something new, a "Friday-ism." At the end of the work week, it's a good time to reflect on what's really important in our lives. We get caught up in all the chaos of work and the everyday dramatics with family and friends during the week that sometimes we lose sight of what's really important. So my next post will be my first Friday-ism - something that's pertinent to my life at the moment. Feel free to comment or add your own supplements to my thoughts.

What Do I Do Now?

Teetering on the edge of a divorce or separation? Wondering where do I go from here? Besides seeking professional advice from either a mental health therapist, divorce lawyer, family mediator, financial advisor, or accountant, it is important to gather information early.  This document gathering can be done with your soon-to-be ex-spouse/partner or individually. Important documents and statements include (but are not limited to): paycheck stubs, tax documents, bank account summaries, health insurance, childrens' school tuition, mortgage summaries, life insurance policies, car payments and insurance, and retirement plans. Also, gather your other monthly expenses, including rent, utility, cellphone, and cable bills. As tedious as this activity sounds, it will save you a ton of headaches later on. If you want to take the extra step, you can prepare a financial affidavit. Hold on to this affidavit as you will need it once you file with the court. If your income is $50,000 or greater, select the long form, otherwise select the short form.
http://www.flcourts.org/gen_public/family/forms_rules/902c.pdf  (Short Form)
http://www.flcourts.org/gen_public/family/forms_rules/902b.pdf (Long Form)

Don't Forget About The Kids

Children are the unfortunate victims of a divorce or separation. Amidst the confusion, the children can inadvertently be treated as pawns or their feelings are neglected. Although we may remind our children over and over again that what's happening between Mommy and Daddy is not their fault, our words are not always understood. It's SO important to teach these children that their "normal" is shifting to a "new normal." Children can relate to a story better than they can a live conversation with a parent. So with that...I've posted below several excellent books to read to your children as you and your spouse move from joint parenting to co-parenting. (click on the link next to the book title to learn more)

Toddler/Preschool
Nina Has Two Houses by Danielle Jacobs (http://www.amazon.com/Nina-Has-Two-Houses-situation/dp/0984962611)
Two Homes by Claire Masurel (http://www.amazon.com/Two-Homes-Claire-Masurel/dp/0763619841/ref=pd_sim_b_3)
It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear byVicki Lansky (http://www.amazon.com/Your-Fault-Koko-Bear-Read-Together/dp/0916773477/ref=pd_sim_b_1)

Elementary School
I Don't Want to Talk About it by Jeanie Franz Ransom and Kathryn Kunz Finney (http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-about-It/dp/1557987033/ref=pd_sim_b_10)
A Smart's Girl's Guide to Her Parent's Divorce by Nancy Holyoke (http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Girls-Guide-Parents-Divorce/dp/1593694881/ref=pd_sim_b_12)

Middle School/High School
The Divorce Helpbook for Teens by Cynthia MacGregor (http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Helpbook-Teens-Rebuilding-Books/dp/1886230579/ref=pd_sim_b_4)

Parents Book
Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman (http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Your-Kids-Divorce-Sandcastles/dp/0679778012/ref=pd_sim_b_6)

Don't Be Fooled - Do Your Homework

Be wary of those who are "jack of all trades." Just because someone appears overqualified does not mean they ARE qualified. The Florida Supreme Court has altered the criteria to become a certified mediator. Basically any Tom, Dick or Harry with a high school diploma can become certified as a family mediator. I mean no disrespect to those who only have a high school diploma. However, to be a qualified family mediator, a person needs a stronger educational background to truly understand how a mediation should be handled. First off, family mediators should have a law degree, which allows them to understand the law and the legal system. This is not for the mediator to give legal advice, but for the mediator to understand the essence of the legal process and be able to communicate it factually to the parties. Secondly, a family mediator should have some background or education in psychology. How can a mediator empathize, be compassionate, and have patience during a mediation if the mediator can not understand the psychological and emotional impact a family dispute, such as divorce, has on the parties involved?
So, do your homework. If you're in the market for a family mediator, choose one with the proper qualifications. A Supreme Court certification alone in family mediation does not necessarily make the mediator qualified to handle your family's affairs.

We're Just Better Friends

Believe it or not, a divorcing couple can still be friends. Although it may seem unusual, a couple going through a divorce usually with minor children can continue to stay friends despite the situation. There's nothing easier for a family mediator than working with a couple who actually likes each other, wants to do the best thing for the family, and has already agreed to a good portion of the marital division. Mediations like this are a dream and are more common than one might think. So if they like each other, why use a mediator? Why not just do the divorce yourself? Well, it's simple. The family court system can be overwhelming and someone who is new to the system will quickly get lost in the paperwork. A mediator simplifies the process.  The Marital Settlement Agreement and accompanying Parenting Plan are extremely detailed and confusing.  A mediator takes the complexity out of the forms and streamlines the process.  By properly completing the forms, a mediator can prevent the agreements from getting kicked back by a Judge for a lack of specificity or being incomplete.

Sometimes couples are just better friends than spouses. And that formula makes for the perfect pre-suit mediation.

All the Single Ladies

The term "illegitimacy" is no longer a nasty word. In past generations illegitimacy was taboo, but today it is the norm.  A family statistic quoted in the Miami Herald in February stated that "more than half of births to U.S. women younger than 30 occur outside marriage." Specifically, that group consists of "white women in their 20s who have some college education" according to Child Trends - a Washington research group. So, what's my point in throwing this statistic at you? Well, mainly it's because these unwed mothers are entitled to child support from the child's father. Even if the father is no longer in the picture, he still has a duty to pay child support.  That is the law in Florida, like it or not.  Family mediation is a great forum for resolving this issue with the father of your child. You don't need to fight about child support in court.  A family mediator can sit down with both parents, navigate them through the child support guidelines, and draw up an agreement about child support payments.  Things don't have to be difficult. Claim the child support you deserve.

Teen Parents - Listen Up

Mediation is for adults AND teens. If you are a parent, regardless of your age, mediation is a cost-effective, beneficial, and less hostile process for determining a Parenting Plan for your child. It is a concerning statistic, however, teen pregnancy accounts for 1 out of every 10 births and 39% of every 1,000 births.(http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2011/04/05/teen-pregnancy-rate-lowest-in-two-decades/)  Unmarried teens are not immune from the legal consequences of child-rearing.  Any MTV-watching teen has seen episodes of Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant where teen parents have attended family mediation to work out their Parenting Plans for time-sharing schedules and child support. It is important to encourage teens to seek out a family mediator as opposed to going before a judge. Teens should learn to cooperate without hostility early on regarding the interests of their child. Mediation will set the stage for a positive relationship for the teen parents as their child grows up.